STICKY FRUIT CAKE.

It's early, but start practising: the best Christmas or any time of year 'I Need Cake' recipe, handed down from my Mum.

Sticky but sweet, sugarless and, if you use the right flour, gluten free.

Leave out the almonds and nutmeg (substitute vanilla and cinnamon) and it's nut free too! 

Good grief how perfect IS this recipe?

Do NOT be tempted to leave out the fat. It's essential to the recipe.

If you are considering doing that, then you shouldn't be eating cake. Harsh but fair.

Here we go.

You will need:

300gm vegan marge / marge /unsalted butter (choose according to dietary needs - but the fat is essential so don't skip it)

500ml apple juice

300g dates

350g raisins

325g sultanas (measurements not exact)

1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda

150g plain flour

150g ground almonds

half a teaspoon of nutmeg

zest of oranges and lemons

Set oven to 160º C. (140º WITH A FAN OVEN).

Line a large cake tin with greaseproof paper.

Melt butter and apple juice.

Stir in dates, raisins and sultanas.

Bring to the boil and boil for 5 minutes.

Transfer to a mixing bowl.

Add bicarbonate of soda.

WATCH IT FIZZ!!

Cover for 10 minutes with a clean tea towel.

Stir ground almonds and nutmeg into the mix.

Fold in the zest.

Pour the lot into a big cake tin, which you've pre-lined!

Cover the surface with greased baking paper; leave a hole in the middle for checking it's cooked.

Bang in the oven for 2.5 hours, or till cooked.

Keep checking it; it should be a little sticky, but firm, and not runny.

Remove and leave to cool completely before attempting to remove from the tin.

Slice and stuff in face, repeat ad nauseum, or till the bells stop jingling.

THE BREAD RECIPE.

Leigh is asked over and over again for his bread recipe. It's so easy it makes me want to cry. 

With this simple loving act of me putting this recipe in your holster, I am surgically and deftly removing any miserable excuse that you have left for you not to bake bread for your loved ones.

Bake this, and enjoy the guaranteed poontang.

Warning: I type it exactly as it was told, verbatim, to the last person who asked for it. Don't read on if sweary things are too much for you.

Right are you ready for my motherfucking bread that'll knock your cock off?

Right, you need:

3 cups of 'plain' (not bread!) flour - white or wholemeal works well, wholemeal doesn't rise as much, same with spelty monkey, white or wholemeal.

1 teaspoon of yeast 

1 and 1/2 teaspoons of salt

Some seeds or similar if you like dumped in the mix.

Mix together in a big bowl with your (clean) hand until thoroughly mixed.

Then add 1.5 cups of tepid/warm water and mix again using your hand for around 30-60 seconds, absolute maximum!

Now, it'll look like a sloppy mess and you'll have dough all over your hand!!
This is good...wash your hand.

Next, cover with a damp tea towel or cling film which ever you prefer, then leave in a warm, draught free place for 12 hours!! Yup, that's right 12 hours.

When you're roughly at 12 hours, turn your oven on to maximum (250 C) and put your tasty crock pot and lid in to heat up until they're definitely fkn hot!! The light has to go out on your cooker.

If you try to rush this bit, you will ruin your bread!

Get your pot out of the oven and be fucking careful, generally I never cook anything else on maximum heat and it doesn't half make a difference, so Be Careful!

Put it on a heat proof thing, pour the dough out and plop it into your pot (you'll be getting a sticky hand again at this point), put the lid on and put it in the oven for 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes take the lid off and carry on baking for between 5 and 20 minutes depending on how thick and crunchy you want your crust, obviously 20 minutes is some fkn crunchy crust slicing your gums action.

I've made this bread loads and loads of times, sometimes it looks like it'll never become bread but it always fucking works...the one time it didn't, I used old yeast...sometime getting it into the pot can be a trauma as it's so sloppy, but don't worry about it, just get it in there, pronto!

There's no kneading required, no fucking around at all.

Once you've got it mastered, you'll probably only take between 20 and 30 mins actually making the bread, including washing up.

Feel free to add herbs or seeds to the process to help make it even tastier. I usually add some sesame seeds to the dough to get a fuller flavour.

But, I warn you, it won't last very long, probably only 2 days, though it's good for croutons on soup by the 3rd day. Having said that, it probably won't last a day in your house as it's so fucking tasty! YAY!

Go forth and bake. It IS YOUR DUTY.

Hot-Ass Marrow Soup

Hello again. It's marrow time!

As you will know, I don't usually stick to recipes except for basics like cake and pastry, but here is what I do to use up these delicious swollen green members.

For the Bread Recipe...see the next post.

- Clean and chop a well-endowed marrow into good inch cubes, ish.

- Fry in bottom of big-ish saucepan in plenty of olive oil till browned

- When browned gently add boiled water, and a stacked tablespoon of vegetable bouillon.

Add chopped herbs to your taste - sage, a little thyme and oregano are good.

Add fresh black pepper.

- For my own recipe, fresh fine chopped lovage is essential!

- Add any other greens you've got lying around - chopped green beans, that bit of cabbage that's gone a bit manky.

Cook till real soft, topping up with water as you need to (but the vegetables will chuck out plenty of their own).

- Stir in a good cupful of Engevita (delicious yeast-flakes). This adds thickness and creaminess with neither the tyranny of dairy nor the gluten-bulge of flour.

- Taste, and add more salt/bouillon and black pepper if required.

- At this stage, stir in the garlic paste and chilli - to taste, but we tend to be generous!

- Continue cooking for a bit. When all vegetables are cooked right through and a bit mushy, turn off and leave to chill.

- When cold, put through blender and leave some chunks if you like.

- Put some in Tupperware for freezing and scoff the rest once re-heated! Especially good on the second and third days.